A sad fact that all dads will have to learn is that babies require lots of everything. Time? Better cancel all those tee times you've got planned for the next, oh, I don't know, three years. Love? Your heart's gonna swell bigger than the Grinch ever dreamed of. Attention? If the Goodyear blimp was painted up like a ginormous boob it wouldn't demand more of your attention than your kid. Money? Prepare, my fellow dads, to be broker than you've ever been in your life.
Dads already give a lot of their money. That's just part of being the traditional bread-winner in the family. Moms spend a lot of time at home with the baby after it's born; sorry feminists, it's just a fact of nature. Mom is the one who a) has the built-in feeding equipment, and b) has that God-given ability to comfort her baby. Dads on the other hand have the unique ability to work and provide for Mom and baby.
However, when baby comes, you won't believe how fast money will evaporate from your wallet, and be deleted from your bank account. Diapers are $30 a box, and that's at Costco where things are almost always cheapr. Then there's baby wipes, formula, bottles, special super-duper baby nursery water (babies even have their own kind of water! Who knew? Bet you thought water was just water... see, told ya I'd teach ya something!), toys, car seats, carriers, car seat carrier combinations, swings, bouncey seats, blankets, burp cloths, and clothes.
If you made $1000 a month, I'm better about $900 of that will go toward the baby in some form or fashion. I'm not great at math, but I think that leaves about $100 for your meals, your clothes, your car, your entertainment. Now you know why you always hear this conversation from your going-out buddies:
"Hey, what happened to Joe?"
"Had a baby. Can't afford to do anything anymore."
Slight moment of silence from every male within earshot as they mourn Joe's passing.
"Ok, so guess that means we've got room for someone else in the group. Candidates?"
Of course, Joe now has new friends and new activities. But these things don't require a whole lot of scratch. For instance, Joe's 8:45 AM weekly tee time at the local golf course has been replaced by Joe's 9:00 AM weekly "Daddy and Me" session. "Wednesday happy hour at the bar" is now "Friday night Babies 'R Us trip." Joe doesn't mind this, because Joe has his new baby to think about. And because he has other dads to commiserate with at these functions. So it's not all bad. At least he's not by himself.
And if I ever see Joe at any of these things, I'll be sure to give him your best.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Things I Learned This Week
These are the things I learned this week off from blogging:
- My mother and step-father love my son, to the point that they actively want to hold him even when he projectile poops all over them.
- Breast milk does not taste good.
- My dog loves me, The Wife and our son but he loves pooping on the floor more.
- Scarlett Johansson's boobs and butt are not enough to make He's Just Not That Into You worth your time. Although it will reconfirm your belief that all women in movies are nuts.
- Churches have yet to figure out that if you turn your air conditioner on in the summer, more people will come.
- There's not enough pleading, begging, crying, wailing or gnashing of teeth in the world to make a baby stop crying; however letting him sleep on your chest is a miracle cure.
- Turner & Hooch is just as funny today as it was 20 years ago when it came out.
- The only thing that comes close on the pain scale to being racked in the nads for a guy is having the hair right around your nipple ripped out by your 9-week old son.
- I felt old after learning that it's been 20-freaking years since Tom Hanks made every parent in America hate him because he made every kid in America want a dog that looked like it swallowed a tennis shoe.
- My mother and step-father love my son, to the point that they actively want to hold him even when he projectile poops all over them.
- Breast milk does not taste good.
- My dog loves me, The Wife and our son but he loves pooping on the floor more.
- Scarlett Johansson's boobs and butt are not enough to make He's Just Not That Into You worth your time. Although it will reconfirm your belief that all women in movies are nuts.
- Churches have yet to figure out that if you turn your air conditioner on in the summer, more people will come.
- There's not enough pleading, begging, crying, wailing or gnashing of teeth in the world to make a baby stop crying; however letting him sleep on your chest is a miracle cure.
- Turner & Hooch is just as funny today as it was 20 years ago when it came out.
- The only thing that comes close on the pain scale to being racked in the nads for a guy is having the hair right around your nipple ripped out by your 9-week old son.
- I felt old after learning that it's been 20-freaking years since Tom Hanks made every parent in America hate him because he made every kid in America want a dog that looked like it swallowed a tennis shoe.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Quick hitters
On a day when not much happened baby wise, some quick hitters for your consideration and rumination:
- Babies probably grab people's attention more than anything else on the planet except a) anything remotely close to boobs for men and b) a shoe sale for women.
- "Boom, Boom, Pow" by the Black-Eyed Peas is K's new favorite song; it also doubles as the one song right now that might make me drive into a telephone pole.
- My baby went into the pool for the first time today. Sure, only his feet got wet and the bathing suit was about eight sizes too big for him, but a lifetime of wrinkled-up fingers, being told to"stop running!" and skinny dipping is finally underway. I'll admit, I got a little verklempt.
- My mother-in-law deeply cares for my son, which is outstanding. But she has taken to expressing that care by literally freaking out everytime The Son is passed from one person to another, or placed into his swing or carrier. I'm talking a hand-waving, "every person has the coordination of a crash-test dummy," panic-attack spasm. This makes me smile, only because I know she cares so much.
- I lied, I also think it's pretty darn funny to watch.
- "Boom, Boom, Pow" is the number one song in the nation; I just looked it up. Also, my wife spends about 75% of her time in her car searching for the song on every station in the listening area. And at the same time, I'm wistfully looking at telephone poles.
- The Wife, The Son, The Dog and I are currently living with my in-laws, so already there's six of us in the house. Yesterday, one of my sisters-in-law showed up with her three kids and their 130-pound St. Bernard. 11 in the house, including two dogs and a baby. Screw Calgon, get me a beer.
- Babies probably grab people's attention more than anything else on the planet except a) anything remotely close to boobs for men and b) a shoe sale for women.
- "Boom, Boom, Pow" by the Black-Eyed Peas is K's new favorite song; it also doubles as the one song right now that might make me drive into a telephone pole.
- My baby went into the pool for the first time today. Sure, only his feet got wet and the bathing suit was about eight sizes too big for him, but a lifetime of wrinkled-up fingers, being told to"stop running!" and skinny dipping is finally underway. I'll admit, I got a little verklempt.
- My mother-in-law deeply cares for my son, which is outstanding. But she has taken to expressing that care by literally freaking out everytime The Son is passed from one person to another, or placed into his swing or carrier. I'm talking a hand-waving, "every person has the coordination of a crash-test dummy," panic-attack spasm. This makes me smile, only because I know she cares so much.
- I lied, I also think it's pretty darn funny to watch.
- "Boom, Boom, Pow" is the number one song in the nation; I just looked it up. Also, my wife spends about 75% of her time in her car searching for the song on every station in the listening area. And at the same time, I'm wistfully looking at telephone poles.
- The Wife, The Son, The Dog and I are currently living with my in-laws, so already there's six of us in the house. Yesterday, one of my sisters-in-law showed up with her three kids and their 130-pound St. Bernard. 11 in the house, including two dogs and a baby. Screw Calgon, get me a beer.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Baby Race
Who cares whose baby develops faster? Why do parents try to one up each other so much with what their little puddin' has done before the "expected time"? Shouldn't we just be happy that our babies are developing at their own pace and leave the competition out of it? Who cares if their baby is better than the guy down the street's child?
I'll tell you who... me! Life is unfair, it rewards winners with tremendous perks and punishes losers severely. Yes, I know that things like whose baby can hold their head up the longest is a stupid competition, but hey, all these kids will be competing for what seems like a rapidly deteriorating job market someday soon, so why not start the lessons now? I'm a dad, and I love sports and competition. I think that I should teach my son to love it as well. If he doesn't love it, he'll shrink from it and I definitely don't want that.
When did competition become an ugly word in our society, especially when it comes to children? I read stories about towns where every Little League team in town got the same size trophy no matter where they finished in the league standings. Or how about the one where the coaches, refs and parents all decided to not keep score in the kid basketball league? That's just, to paraphrase Dr. Evil, re-damn-diculous!
So let's do it! The Son's six and a half weeks, and on the "holding his head up" thing we're at a minute and counting. In the words of The Rock... "Just bring it!"
I'll tell you who... me! Life is unfair, it rewards winners with tremendous perks and punishes losers severely. Yes, I know that things like whose baby can hold their head up the longest is a stupid competition, but hey, all these kids will be competing for what seems like a rapidly deteriorating job market someday soon, so why not start the lessons now? I'm a dad, and I love sports and competition. I think that I should teach my son to love it as well. If he doesn't love it, he'll shrink from it and I definitely don't want that.
When did competition become an ugly word in our society, especially when it comes to children? I read stories about towns where every Little League team in town got the same size trophy no matter where they finished in the league standings. Or how about the one where the coaches, refs and parents all decided to not keep score in the kid basketball league? That's just, to paraphrase Dr. Evil, re-damn-diculous!
So let's do it! The Son's six and a half weeks, and on the "holding his head up" thing we're at a minute and counting. In the words of The Rock... "Just bring it!"
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