Not So Quick Hitters

- Dads, I'm doing an incredibly brave thing: I'm taking my son on his first road trip. Sure, this is an experience that should be done when he can appreciate hours of quiet driving when the only sounds are the radio and the spitting of sunflower seed hulls into a soda bottle. Or when he can fully appreciate all his mother does to clean the house just by the simple act of walking into a rest stop bathroom (yeah, that was directed at you Britney).


- The Wife, The Son, and I are heading north from South Florida to my home state of Mississippi. We're gonna hit my dad's place, let my aunts, uncles and my grandmother finally meet my son, and then finish up at my mom and step-dad's house. It'll be The Son's first experience in the real South. Finally, some education for the boy!


- One of my worst fears was realized yesterday. We left dinner at Miller's Ale House with The Son crying for either a bottle, a bed, a new diaper or some combination of the three. Our niece was with us, and as soon as the car starts up, she says in the cutest voice imaginable: "Maybe The Son will stop crying if you put the Boom, Boom, Boom song on." The Wife giggles nearly made me sick as she hit the CD button with a little too much glee. You can see what's coming, right? Yep, he stopped crying right when the song started. I will now light myself on fire.

- Michael Jackson's memorial service is today. Just a small list of the things that have either irritated, confused, or delighted me during this whole saga:

• The never-ending list of "Jackson Family" spokespeople. It's like they hire a new one for the day or something, then fire them and hire somebody else.
• Today's "Jackson Family Spokesman" deserves special recognition for his name alone: Ken Sunshine. Only in the life and death of Michael Jackson would a reporter not comment on that guy's name, right?
• Every channel on TV has had some sort of retrospective on Michael's life, focusing on how bad his dad was, how popular Michael was, how talented he was, and the impact he had on music and pop culture.
• Despite the above fact, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have spent the last week complaining that the media has only focused on the allegations of abuse.
• Sharpton and Jackson don't miss an opportunity to insinuate themselves into whatever media circus is handy, do they?
• The "food poisoning" and "Legos" jokes are classic.
• I would have thought that Maury Povich would have been all over the "Are the kids really Michael's?" debate. I would have thought Debbie Rowe would have been a prime candidate for one of those "paternity tests" specials Maury's always running. Anyone else secretly wanting this to happen?

- In truth, I don't think America is, or ever will be, surprised at anything that comes out about Michael Jackson. Seriously, would you even bat an eye if there was a report that Bubbles the chimp was really Michael's vocal coach for the latter part of his life? Or that Michael and Elizabeth Taylor plan to have their remains combined after they are both dead then used to form the cure for some new disease that hasn't even appeared yet? Or that Michael wants his music played forever from a space station so that aliens will understand love and soul? Would any of that shock you?

I mean the spokeman's name was Ken Freaking Sunshine!!! This was one weird dude!

Kick Back and Let the Big Dog Eat

The Wife and I did something that to my reckoning is an absolute necessity for parents in today's world: we joined Netflix. Of course, The Wife, in typical The Wife fashion, can't say the word "Netflix" so it comes out "Netflex." And if you think I'm not taking every opportunity to poke fun at her because of that... well, then to paraphrase Bugs Bunny, "You don't know me very well, do you?"

Here's the movies we put on our queue (side note: Where did The Wife get her talent of mispronouncing everything? From her mother of course, who says "that movie is next in my quay") since AJ is only 10 weeks old and unable to comprehend the spoken word:

Tin Cup: If you like this movie then no explanation is needed. If you haven't seen it, add it to your queue. If you don't like this movie, well, then "this one's for Venturi up in the booth who thinks I should lay up."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: The Wife picked this one because she likes old movies (nope, I didn't know this when I met, proposed or married her... but it would have only made her more attractive as you'll see), and because she likes Marilyn Monroe. I seconded this pick because I'd like to return to the days when big boobs and curves made a woman pretty, and bones poking through skin made a woman dead.

Fireproof: We both liked Facing the Giants and since the same bunch made this one, it's on the list. Plus, I've gotten too many good reviews from other married couples.

Gran Torino: "Get off my lawn." Eastwood at his menacing whisper best, plus at something like 80 years old, he kicks the crap out of a street gang. I think it would be a bad idea for any of us to miss this one. And we wouldn't want to make anyone's day would we?

Blade Runner: Duh, best Sci-Fi movie ever made. Harrison Ford, before he became an ear-ring-wearing-pansy, stars as Deckard, his third-best role behind Indy and Solo. With the added bonus that, in 1982, Sean Young was a hottie.

Hancock and The Prestige: What can I say, I like superhero and magician movies.

The Maltese Falcon and The Big Sleep: See, in the writing world we call this a "pay off." Told ya I'd come back to the classic movies. Dashiel Hammett (Falcon) and Raymond Chandler (Sleep) practically invented the private detective story and noir. Thomas Magnum, Columbo, Harry Bosch, Spenser, Elvis Cole, and to a degree, even Bruce Wayne aka Batman owe their very existence to the best of the best: Sam Spade and Phillip Marlowe.

Oh, sure, once The Son gets a little older, we're gonna put all the Disney, Pixar, Disney-Pixar, and kiddie movies in the quay. But for now, we've got to watch all those movies we missed when The Wife was a throwing-up-everyday, waddling-down-the-street, adorable, pregnant mess.

If you have other suggestions, please, by all means leave comments.

Quick hitters

On a day when not much happened baby wise, some quick hitters for your consideration and rumination:

- Babies probably grab people's attention more than anything else on the planet except a) anything remotely close to boobs for men and b) a shoe sale for women.

- "Boom, Boom, Pow" by the Black-Eyed Peas is K's new favorite song; it also doubles as the one song right now that might make me drive into a telephone pole.

- My baby went into the pool for the first time today. Sure, only his feet got wet and the bathing suit was about eight sizes too big for him, but a lifetime of wrinkled-up fingers, being told to"stop running!" and skinny dipping is finally underway. I'll admit, I got a little verklempt.

- My mother-in-law deeply cares for my son, which is outstanding. But she has taken to expressing that care by literally freaking out everytime The Son is passed from one person to another, or placed into his swing or carrier. I'm talking a hand-waving, "every person has the coordination of a crash-test dummy," panic-attack spasm. This makes me smile, only because I know she cares so much.

- I lied, I also think it's pretty darn funny to watch.

- "Boom, Boom, Pow" is the number one song in the nation; I just looked it up. Also, my wife spends about 75% of her time in her car searching for the song on every station in the listening area. And at the same time, I'm wistfully looking at telephone poles.

- The Wife, The Son, The Dog and I are currently living with my in-laws, so already there's six of us in the house. Yesterday, one of my sisters-in-law showed up with her three kids and their 130-pound St. Bernard. 11 in the house, including two dogs and a baby. Screw Calgon, get me a beer.