Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Things Every Guy Should Know

For some reason, probably what my wife calls "Internet ADD" I was searching for things that "every guy should know." You know, I want to be a responsible father to my son, and teach him all the things that he should know. Some of those are pretty easy, like how to tie a tie, cook breakfast, check the oil, and watch 3 football games at the same time on three different channels without the use of picture-in-picture and still not miss more than three plays in any game.

So found an article on Esquire magazine, that bastion of dudeness, that tells 25 skills that all men should be able to do. I'll list theirs, then give some of mine that they missed. If you have some that aren't on either list, by all means add them in the comments section.

Esquire's 25 Essential Skills For Men

1) How to Skin a Moose: A deer, sure, I get that one. But a moose? Good skill to have, but wrong animal, unless you're hanging with Sarah Palin. Which wouldn't be a bad thing. Cause she's hot.

2) Get a Busy Bartender's Attention: This one makes perfect sense. Remember, no gesturing. If you do this well, women will notice.

3) Bet the Horses: Eh. Sometimes being terrible at this isn't such a bad thing.

4) Give a Good Massage: DE-FI-NITE-LY!!

5) Cut Down a Tree: Because the History Channel might just need a new show for their new sea... damn it!

6) Buy a Woman Clothing: I'm not so sure about this one, because while it was cool the first 85 times I saw some rich dude in a movie correctly guess a woman's clothing size, understand this: buying her a gift card might be the easiest thing to do, but it's also the wussy way out; give up a Sat, er Sunday afternoon (college football is Saturday, my bad) and go with her. Then you pay for it.

7) Fillet a Fish: Because you never know when Captain D's might be hiring.

8) Know how to make Eggs 4 different ways: Scrambled, baked, poached, and sunny-side up. No one I know, and I mean N-O one, eats baked eggs. So just go with scrambled, sunny-side up, and over easy and you'll be fine.

9) Google Efficiently: If you can't do this in 2009, then you shouldn't be allowed on the Internet.

10) Sew a button: Ok, I'll go with that.

11) Console a crying woman: Just make sure you aren't the reason for the crying before you go grabbing your handkerchief.

12) Look good in a picture: Just so you know, the example picture in the article has an ugly dork trying to be Bogart. And it's not a good picture. It's Esquire, what are you gonna do?

13) Calm a crying baby: This one is my speciality now, but every baby is different. What works for one, doesn't for another... same with women.

14) Parallel Park (Like a man): Meaning don't go in from the front. Not that I would do that... um...

15) Wire a Ceiling Fixture: All together now, "Turn off the main first."

16) Make pancakes from scratch: Take this, the egg thing, some bacon and Clemenza's recipe for cooking for "20 guys" and that will be the only thing you'll need to be the most popular cook ever at hunting camp.

17) Stop a running toilet: Just a tip, praying won't do it. But it helps.

18) Rock the man in the boat (aka how to give a woman the 'O' face): I'm iffy on whether a dad should be giving this advice to his son. Well, I guess better from your dad than Peter Pimple Face down the street... or your mom.

19) Carve a turkey: I'd go for how to cook it too, but just in case someone does a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, it's a good skill to be handy with a knife.

20) Make a drink, just for her: I like this one. I can make a mean Manhattan for my mother-in-law and father-in-law. Now, I'm working on martinis.

21) Pick out ripe fruit: No, this doesn't mean success on match.com.

22) Jump-start a car: This is a useful skill to have, but it requires the one thing that no one has in their car... jumper cables.

23) Get a table in a restaurant: Here's a simple solution... call for reservations. See? Problem solved.

24) Kill an injured animal: First examples are a toad, a gopher and a deer. Most needed examples are boss that just fired you and IRS worker.

25) Shine a shoe: You can read the instructions online, or for better results, enlist in the military. Also, the latter option will help in your life as well.

Todd's List:

1) Quote at least five different movies regularly: Personal favorites include "Tombstone", "Ghostbusters", "The Godfather", and "Groundhog Day."

2) Shoot a gun: God gave us the Second Amendment, not the government.

3) Throw a baseball and a football: It's essential to growing up in America.

4 Know the basic rules of the three major American sports: If you are ever in a room with a girl who is not a) related to a football coach, b) married to a football coach, or c) is a football coach and this girl knows more about the game than you do, it's time to call up the castration guy.

5) Be able to talk intelligently about politics: Not saying which way you should swing politically right or left, but when someone asks you why you're voting for a particular candidate and the only thing you can say is, "for hope... and... uh... change!" then you don't need to vote (longer article on the need for an IQ test required before voting coming later).

6) Enjoy the thrill of peeing outside: Sure, I know it's not really a skill, but it's one of those things that all men should enjoy at least once or twice a year, if for no other reason than to remind us of why we are men, and why that is so freaking cool.

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