Monday, July 20, 2009

Boobs, Bumps, and Boobs

Just got back from Mississippi. The trip went pretty well, especially the food. If you want recommendations for places to go in Mississippi (or on the Gulf Coast of Alabama) let me know.

Before we left, The Wife had me take her car in for an oil change and to get the tires rotated (no jokes about not changing my own oil... don't trust myself to do it, so why bother screwing it up?). I pull into the parking lot and see more guys working than on any four other trips I've made to the shop combined. Why the sudden interest in the car fixing field? Couldn't be the 6-foot blonde with the gargantuan knockers and legs for days - check that, weeks - could it? Surely not! I mean, men aren't that shallow are they?

I asked the guy who runs the place, "Hey, how come I don't get that kind of attention?"

He just laughed, but one of his mechanics says, "I got her phone number... and I got a girlfriend!" Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the car service industry's finest.

Two and a half hours into the trip, the car decided that apparently it was more pissed than I was that it didn't get the "6-foot blonde with DD's" treatment because it decided to take a crap right in the middle of the Florida Turnpike. In the first five minutes we were stopped on the side of the road with our hood up, two complete strangers stopped, got out of their vehicles and asked if they could help. They even took a gander under the hood themselves to see if they could do anything. That's not counting the others that stopped just to ask if we were alright. I laughed and said to The Wife: "Yep, we are definitely north of Orlando and back in the South."

Our first stop for the trip was Gainesville, Florida at the Sleep Inn. Yes, it was the same place we stopped when we watched Ole Miss beat the national champion Florida Gators 31-30 (sorry, had to get that in). The Wife tells me to go in and see what their price is for a room. The receptionist is another blonde, but this one's wearing a nice blouse with a neckline that shows off her belly button. It also really does a nice job of accentuating her Holly Gunn-style fake breasts. I'm sure the management of this place just loves her outfits.

I know for a fact that the Sleep Inn is usually around $100 for a king bed for one night, but this little debutante is going down, and I don't mean in the bad way. Actual conversation between Holly Gunn and myself:

"Hey, how are ya?"
"I'd like to get one room, with a king bed for the night. "
Holly starts to search for the price, but I don't let her get a word in edge wise.
"You know, we've stayed her before and loved it."
Holly smiles a little at this, or at my smile. Either one is good for me.
"Oh really? When?"
"You probably wouldn't like that weekend. We're Ole Miss fans..."
Recognition sets in slowly with this one.
"Oh... OH! Oh, yeah, that wasn't a good weekend at all. You know I went to that game!"
"Really? Me too!"
"Yeah, the guy I was dating then didn't know a thing about football. I had to tell him why we were so bummed."

"Good thing you're not with him anymore, huh?" Translation: Why would you date a gay man?
"I know, right? How many nights are you staying?"
"Just the one... heading home to Mississippi where I'm from to show off my new son."
"Awwwww... a baby? That's so awesome!!!"
"I know... our first and the grandparents want to see him."
"Aww, that's so cute. We'll I can get you a king bed for $85, but I'll give you a special for $75 and upgrade it to a suite."
"Done. Want me to bring the baby in so you can see him?"
"Yes! Awww... I love babies!"
"I know, me too." Translation: You just got taken down by the Master... don't feel bad. Here, look at the baby, doesn't that make the beatdown you just suffered a little easier to take?

So, to celebrate my unmatched skills at what I call strategic flirting, The Wife, The Son and I decided to go to (drumroll please) Hooters for dinner. Insert your eye roll and laugh here.

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